i got bangs

I went out, and went crazy.

I went out and got some bangs. I think I like them. Still trying to figure that part out, but its nice to have a change. I’ve always liked changing my appearance regularly…but its hard to do that lately since I’m trying to grow my hair really long like a mermaid.

I feel peaceful today.

Love you.

 

Intimacy

I go through lots of different levels of intimacy with God. Sometimes I am in the midst of a “dry” time as some Christians like to call it, or a time that I like to refer to as “lame” time. . . its when I feel like all things are lame.

Where Christians are lame – They piss me off, they judge me, they say they will be something and they don’t follow through, they let me down, they apply pressure on me to become something I can’t be, they box me in, they give me rules

Where I am lame – I am unmotivated, lazy, undisciplined, keeping my creativity trapped inside with no output, where I am working, sleeping, eating and all times in between just numbing my brain with mindless activities.

Where God is lame – Feeling like He isn’t pursuing me, His majesty and greatness seem lost in the mundane, He isn’t speaking to me (or at least I’m not hearing), Unanswered prayers, Unheard hearts cry, No outpour of blessing & life.

I don’t necessarily think I am in a “lame” time right now. But I do feel the urgency to grab onto something bigger than myself, a bigger picture. I have always sucked at being disciplined with reading my Bible or praying every day and doing all the Christian things, and I’m not sure if its because I’ve been taught that all those things lead to intimacy, but when I don’t do them I feel like I’m screwed and I’ll never achieve the intimacy I crave to have with God. He must understand at least that my attention span isn’t that long. He must understand that I connect with Him through the communion of others, the music at shows in pubs, dinner parties and conversations over great food and wine.

Maybe I’m just too much of a rebel at heart and I need to smarten up and press in and do the dirty work. . . but I have done that. . . and my memories of it arn’t very fond. In fact…I’m almost somewhat bitter at some of the manipulation that I’ve felt in extreme ministry times.

All I know is that the people that I ’served’ with for years are gone with the blink of an eye, most days I feel forgotten and I’m pissed about how that chapter ended…and I think maybe that has affected my effort with God lately, but I also feel like its a good thing. I’m finally in a place where I’m digging in with my heels. I refuse to have the past be repeated.

 

love

I’m learning about love…

and on my 23 years on this earth I’ve had some great teachers, and a few bad ones too. The bad teachers taught me unhealthy coping skills and bad communication. They also broke my heart. But thankfully enough, the great teachers outweigh the bad, and they taught me selflessness, and how wide, high and deep a heart can be.

But one thing that has really been evident to me lately is that instead of becoming critical of each other, we need to show each other “Ridiculous Love.” Compassion and understanding first even when it’s undeserved. This defuses situations…helps you lay your arms down and get to the root of issues in love instead of in an adversarial way.

(some of that sentence was used by someone else’s writing…they said what I was thinking, but in better words)

 

I’ll smile when I fucking want too!

Ok, a little bit of a rant here.

I am SO SICK of people telling me to smile, or to look happy, or to not look so depressed. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t always walk around like I am about to kill people…but I also am just not one of those girls that is very peppy and smiley all the time. It just isn’t me. I laugh yes, I smile yes, I have good moods and bad moods just like the rest of you. However, just because my face doesn’t have a white toothed smile on it every time you look at me does not mean I am mad at you, or even mad at the world.

I remember when I was a kid and people told me to smile more I  then received a complex about my face, I was worried that the shape of my face and mouth made it look like I wasn’t a happy person and I tried extra hard to smile all the time. But it wasn’t real and didn’t feel natural, so I stopped.

Besides, why is it that society get so uncomfortable around people who ARN’T happy? Who are in pain. Who are angry for no reason? We always try and fix it and give them answers so they can “get over it.” but is that even what they really need?

I personally don’t think so.

 

Kisses for you, misses

Today’s another beautifully sunny day. I can’t get over the weather here…I think I’ve seen rain only once in the past month. So different from Vancouver! I really don’t miss the rain at all to be honest. I love waking up and seeing the bright sun piercing through my window….

Today I’m off running a million errands in lieu of the Africa trip I am planning…but I just wanted to stop by and say hi, and let this cute little puppy give you a kiss.

 

Here I am, once again.

I was at blogger.

I switched.

I guess in the air of changing the way I write, I also wanted to change my style.

Hopefully this blog will be a regular output for creativity, orginality, honesty, thinking and learning.