I AM some kind of wonderful.

So Lately I have been really into all things natural…eating better foods, preparing them myself and voting for non preservative options & balancing my diet…but I never really thought about cosmetics, moisturizers, cleaning supplies, clothing detergent. . . . Well today a few guys came over from this 25 year old company called Melaluca and I learned ALOT.
I mean I know these days technically everyone says that everything is bad for you…and I think that is LAME but I do however really agree with what this company stands for and the products they sell.

Let me guide you to this website called Cosmetics Database. You can go on here, type in any brand name product you use and find out how many toxins are in it, and which ones are harmfull and which ones arn’t. I was so suprised about Bath & Body works, the Body Shop, and even some makeup products I use that are in the red zone! Crazy!!

Just at least look into it, it is really interesting!

I went out, and went crazy.

I went out and got some bangs. I think I like them. Still trying to figure that part out, but its nice to have a change. I’ve always liked changing my appearance regularly…but its hard to do that lately since I’m trying to grow my hair really long like a mermaid.

I feel peaceful today.

Love you.

I go through lots of different levels of intimacy with God. Sometimes I am in the midst of a “dry” time as some Christians like to call it, or a time that I like to refer to as “lame” time. . . its when I feel like all things are lame.

Where Christians are lame – They piss me off, they judge me, they say they will be something and they don’t follow through, they let me down, they apply pressure on me to become something I can’t be, they box me in, they give me rules

Where I am lame – I am unmotivated, lazy, undisciplined, keeping my creativity trapped inside with no output, where I am working, sleeping, eating and all times in between just numbing my brain with mindless activities.

Where God is lame – Feeling like He isn’t pursuing me, His majesty and greatness seem lost in the mundane, He isn’t speaking to me (or at least I’m not hearing), Unanswered prayers, Unheard hearts cry, No outpour of blessing & life.

I don’t necessarily think I am in a “lame” time right now. But I do feel the urgency to grab onto something bigger than myself, a bigger picture. I have always sucked at being disciplined with reading my Bible or praying every day and doing all the Christian things, and I’m not sure if its because I’ve been taught that all those things lead to intimacy, but when I don’t do them I feel like I’m screwed and I’ll never achieve the intimacy I crave to have with God. He must understand at least that my attention span isn’t that long. He must understand that I connect with Him through the communion of others, the music at shows in pubs, dinner parties and conversations over great food and wine.

Maybe I’m just too much of a rebel at heart and I need to smarten up and press in and do the dirty work. . . but I have done that. . . and my memories of it arn’t very fond. In fact…I’m almost somewhat bitter at some of the manipulation that I’ve felt in extreme ministry times.

All I know is that the people that I ’served’ with for years are gone with the blink of an eye, most days I feel forgotten and I’m pissed about how that chapter ended…and I think maybe that has affected my effort with God lately, but I also feel like its a good thing. I’m finally in a place where I’m digging in with my heels. I refuse to have the past be repeated.

I’m learning about love…

and on my 23 years on this earth I’ve had some great teachers, and a few bad ones too. The bad teachers taught me unhealthy coping skills and bad communication. They also broke my heart. But thankfully enough, the great teachers outweigh the bad, and they taught me selflessness, and how wide, high and deep a heart can be.

But one thing that has really been evident to me lately is that instead of becoming critical of each other, we need to show each other “Ridiculous Love.” Compassion and understanding first even when it’s undeserved. This defuses situations…helps you lay your arms down and get to the root of issues in love instead of in an adversarial way.

(some of that sentence was used by someone else’s writing…they said what I was thinking, but in better words)